Challenging to answer at first. “I wanted to be so many things…”

An opera singer, a writer, I wanted to be Frodo and Hermione at different stages, a princess at many. I wanted to become an archaeologist, an athlete, a hero. I was inspired by expedition adventures as much as romantic love stories.

What I like about this question, is that it reconnects me to who I was before all the rational thinking took over my life decisions.

What was I actually drawn to before “get a job to build security” became an argument for my choices in life.

Who did I want to be before success was defined by the amount of money or attractive partners I was supposed to have.

How did I love to spend my time before I got tricked into believing at 30 I was supposed to know my husband and raise two kids.

That is not to say that any of these motivations are wrong. I just want to preserve the curiosity to ask “Are they mine?” or maybe “Are those someone else insecurities placed on me?” and if so “What are my guiding principles I want to live my life by?”

“Who did I want to be as a kid?…and am I anything like her now?”

I wanted to be the princess as much as I wanted to be the hero.

For so long I thought I had to choose.

How could I be the one sitting in the tower being rescued and the one fighting the monster to free her at the same time?

For so long I switched between the two. I was the princess until it felt empty and I got rid of all my stuff to embark on the next adventure. Until I felt sad in my always same dirty clothes and longed to turn my life into poetry again.

Choosing one meant neglecting the other. And either side no matter how determined I was about getting it right felt empty without the other.

But it was never about choosing. It was about integrating.

Taking the full version of me. With all the sides. Fully me.

Sleeping outside with nothing, living off rice and cheese for days. And summer breakfasts in silk dresses. It’s swimming in the frozen lake and sleeping in my designer duvet. It’s a diamond ring on a hand with dirty nails. It’s fighting and dancing.

It has never been about choosing, the princess nor the monster, nor the hero… But about integrating all of them.

Allowing the hero to rescue the princess. Facing the monster when it took over. Building the tower without hiding in it for too long.

Integrity.

“Who did you want to be as a kid?…and are you anything like him/her now?”