Just feeling the feeling and going through it. Nothing else.

Even though all my notebooks are full of intentions to live my life more cyclical, I had completely forgotten about this. “What season am I in right now?” was one of them.

But maybe I have to ask at an even smaller level. Maybe a “season” is already too broad, too generic. Something I get lost in.

“What phase of my cycle am I in right now?”

What options do I even have? What is my cycle build of?

As a cyclical being by birth. I like to choose my menstrual cycle, as my cycle. Going through the four seasons of growing, blooming, closing and integrating. “That’s enough.” I thought, when I set the intention to live according to my cycle. “I just have to know which season I am in. And adjust my effort accordingly.”

But maybe there is more to it. Maybe each cycle has their own season?

Doing. Outgoing I reach out I do. An idea comes to mind and I instantly start doing. No matter the outcome, no matter how far. Creating.

Feeling. Just being present. Feeling what comes up. Sit with it. Take the time. Less distraction, more time sitting next to the river and just watch it flow. I don’t even have to bring anything. Just one notebook and a pen, nothing else.

Confronting. Digging things out. Learning exposing myself. Practicing discomfort. Jumping.

Living. Learning and experiencing. Walking through life with open senses. Collecting it all, stones and flowers, concepts and ideas, new languages and skills. My notebook is bursting full and so is my mind. I barely have time to process, that’s for another season. Being present.

Within all of them a balance between pushing and resting.

The doing comes very easy to me. When I flow in the doing there are little doubts. I see the results, proof for my work and for my worth. The artist in me is satisfied. The blank page is full. That’s evidence enough for me to feel like I accomplished enough.

Feeling is where I hit some walls. “I need to dooo something…” my brain is shouting. While I run in circles and don’t find anything to “do”. Or at least nothing useful, nothing that makes sense. I start one thing just to start the next and turn around again. Maybe because I need to pause and just feel. Watch the wind blow and be present. No “Whats next?” No “Where and how?” Just right here, now.

Confronting is exciting. Something new, something dangerous. The stakes are high, but even higher the rewards. When I pass the top of the mountain I feel invincible. It is short intense moments. Filled with contradictions, tension and relief.

Living, might be easy to forget within all of societies “doing”. Experiencing something just for the sake of it. Whatever sparks some genuine joy, just follow it. It makes no sense? Even better. From time to time a burst of inspiration that can be written down. Followed by phases of no pen to paper because there are so many things to life, there is no time to write.

“What phase of my cycle am I in right now?”

Feeling.

And you?